2008 Elections: Oh, Looky

Cindy's outfit appraised at $300K

Wha'd'ya know. John "I Support Teh Twoops" McCaincient apparently only supports the troops in his mind. As long as he doesn't have to vote for them, or any of that shit. You know, pressing a button is hard work when you have stumpy little cocktail weenie fingers. Easier to bag all that voting shit and slip on your $520 Ferragamo loafers and fly on your rich wifey's private jet to one of your — what is it, seven? eight? nine? homes. It's OK if we don't remember how many homes McCaincient owns. He sure as hell doesn't.

Before we go any further, we want to say two things: (1) We have no problem with wealthy people spending good money on clothes; (2) We do have a problem with wealthy people pretending to have the first fucking clue about what life is like for not-wealthy people.

So, Mrs. McCain, in that photo, is togged out for more money than most of us spend on our home, which is the biggest expenditure we make in our lives. Is it too much to ask that she have some sense of fashion/style? We're much more impressed by our friend who buys her clothes from thrift shops and looks like a million than by a woman who spends a third of a million dollars on a shiny dress the colour of baby shit.

Cindy, a word of advice: when you wear a collar like that, it directs attention away from your neck. Which is good, because, hon, at our age, the old neck is starting to look like a tortoise's, not a giraffe's. So, girlfrien', what you wanna do is NOT WEAR A FUCKING HUGE TRIPLE ROW OF PEARLS around that wattly old thing, because, yaknow, it defeats the whole point and drags the eye back to your neck, and we're all like, wow, how come the face-lift guy couldn't throw in the neck for a few thousand more? Know what I'm sayin?

Also, please. Lose the giant watches, they just draw attention to your very large hands, which are wrinkled and covered with liver spots. We understand, hon. You live in Sun-land, and it's not kind to the skin. Especially aging skin. So wear something slim and discreet on the wrist. You don't need to show the whole world that you can afford a watch that costs more than most people's cars, know what I mean?

And those big shiny pins, or brooches, or whatever they are? They need to go. If they're diamonds, they just look vulgar, and if they're rhinestones, they look vulgar and cheap. And you don't wear something shiny like that with a shiny baby-shit-ochre dress. If you must wear a pin, get something discreet. Amber should do nicely, or tiger's eye, jade, jet, onyx. Something that doesn't scream "I got more money than you!!!" would be excellent.

While you're about it, why not lose the bangs? Bangs are for young girls with perfect skin. We know you've had a dozen facelifts, but lifted skin never looks as perfect as fresh, youthful skin. Very sorry for mocking your French twist, but that was the most elegant hairstyle of all those you've tried so far. Please go back to it. Thanks.

REUTERS/Jim Young
Finally, our condolences on John and the Sarah Palin thing. He can't seem to keep his eyes off her ass. We know he traded in the last wife on you when she was around your age. Hopefully, Sarah's as disgusted by him as the photos seem to indicate.


In any event, ex-Marine and IVAW (Iraq Veterans Against War) member, Adam Kokesh, decided to "piss in McCaincient's kool-aid," as he put it, at the Ron Paul "Rally for the Republic" convention. Surprising, how little coverage that got. All we hear about these days is McCaincient/Failin, McCaincient/Failin. Not satisfied with pissing in Oldy McMoldy's kool-aid at the Ron Paul rally, Kokesh bravely showed up at McCaincient's rally to piss a little more, and piss off a hella lot more. Go, Adam! Brave man.

And, to no one's surprise, John McCaincient's son Andrew was until recently on the board of Nevada's Silver State Bank, which has just been closed down. Young Andrew apparently left for "personal reasons," as in "to spend more time annoying his family."

According to HuffPo, the FDIC has stated:

The failure is expected to cost the FDIC deposit insurance fund between $450 million and $550 million...[and] estimated there was about $20 million in uninsured deposits.

Who funds the FDIC, we wonder?

Let's see, this year alone, we've bailed out Bear Stearns (wonder why), Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac (don't tell us), and 11 failed banks. We will haz debt unto the seventh generation, folks. Not Jor Jee and Dick, of course. They'll be off in Paraguay, where the Bush family has purchased itself a huge estate (does Paraguay have extradition treaties with the U.S.?).

All this foofaraw puts us in mind of the Keating 5 Savings & Loan scandal. Remember Keating 5, senator? That little fandango cost the taxpayers, lessee, what was it again? Ah, yes, $3.4 BILLION FUCKING DOLLARS. Nice work, Johnny. Between you and the Bush Brothers, y'all have walked away with the entire contents of the fucking treasury. Our great-grandkids will be paying off the interest on the debt you got us into. Thanks, fella. Thanks a whole fuck of a lot.

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