Caturday?

NO we don't have any more cats, geez

This is what it feels like at La Casa de Los Gatos, these days. Like we're mothering some kittens. And we desperately need a DRINK, goddammit.

You ever try raising kittens? Geezus, they're a pain. So, what's going on, we ask? Bandicoot was sick for quite a while, and then we had to leave him and go away, and he wasn't doing too great when we got back. We've spent the past couple of months curing him of whatever stomach ailment he picked up and making sure he's doing OK.

Bandicoot with Gustav

See, he's getting old. He wants to be fed about once an hour, all day. Sometimes he'll eat some kibble, but mostly he wants his food brought to him, and he always was a messy eater, and he's gotten a hundred times worse. Seems like he's not seeing or smelling too well, either. If you don't bring his food to him, he climbs up on the bed and pokes you in the face with one enormous smelly paw. Actually, his paws aren't smelly at all. Just big. Bigger than my eyeballs. Which is what he likes to poke, mostly. He doesn't want water from a bowl, either. He wants to lick the water in the shower. And his coat was a matted mess after the long stay at the vet. We're clipping and brushing and what-all, but he's a pig in a fur suit, he does not care for this grooming shit.

And Gustav is kinda sensing something in the offing because Bandicoot just wants to be left alone to sleep all the time. So Gustav has taken to howling every night, I mean Siamese cat x water buffalo bellows every night from, like, 1 am to 3 am. I'd kill him, except he's suffered enough already. I think. Little fucker. Sleeping like a baby next to me right now. Just half an hour ago he was trying to sit on Gojira's face and howling because she bit him in the ass. Apparently she does not care for this face-sitting business.

Gojira with Zingi-bee

Gojira is still freaked out about Zingiber dying and won't go outside any more. She only wants to be at home, preferably in bed with us. (Fucking bitch wants to be RIGHT BETWEEN both of us, too, so forget a sex life.) And she squeaks like a motherfucker when she doesn't get her way. Also, too, claws. Hers are like tiny little razors. You can't tell you've been scratched till part of your leg bleeds and falls off. There's no possibility of trimming them, either. She's not the type to hold still that long, and we'd have to *catch* her first. Always an exciting sight, watching two rapidly aging people chasing an extremely lithe, swift, and nimble cat around. And when she's not being obnoxious and shrieking in your ear and bouncing off the walls, she's demanding attention. Pet me, pet me, scratch my ears, check my butt for poop stains, pet my belly so I can remove the skin from your hands. If she weren't so stunningly cute, she would have been a slipper a LONG time ago. Little bitch.

And MADU has suddenly developed a need for affection. What's with this? The lady with the French-perfumey big bosoms isn't giving him enough lately, or what? He's still running off to visit her regularly, I see him hiking down the road all the time, the little slut. Then he comes home and wants to drape himself all over us, and could we please pick him up and hold him so he can fall asleep in the most comfortable position and drool.

There was a time when the little fucker would barely give us the time of day. AFAHWC, we were convenient stepping stones for hunting mice on the hill.

I miss those days.

Yeah, so, WTF, y'all, check out the fucking heat wave that's cooking the whole middle of the country AND the eastern seabord, is this reality time for global warming deniers, or what? Will the stupid subside long enough for the marching morons to realize that they ARE every bit as stupid as everyone else has believed for years, and that global warming has finally decided to, like, personally cook their asses or something for being such fucking dolts? Only thing is, they'll be sure to take all of us with them when they go, y'know? Just to be assholes. Srsly, this heat is nothing to fuck with. Remember to wear sunblock, stay cool and aerated, go to a public place that's airconditioned, or your local pool, or whatever. Stay indoors, if you can. Drink LOTS of water, but not too much too fast. Stay safe!

Here's something for y'all to enjoy!

Stumble It!

Eat, Eat, My Child!

My favourite way of cooking salmon. You can pick at it for hours.

Face it, it is just TOO FUCKING HOT to cook a hella lot. Salads and roast beast is the rule at Casa de Los Gatos this summer. Last summer it was cool and rainy and we ate stews and tasty curries throughout. This year, I'd rather die than broil my tits over a hot stove. Tough luck, housemates.

So, salmon. Nature's bounty. I never did like fish, but I have to eat it for health reasons, so my whole life has been spent in an effort to make the fucking thing palatable, OK? So, try it. Nu? What can you lose?

1-2 lb salmon filet	1 bunch lemon thyme
2 medium shallots	1 bunch chives
2 lemons	1 handful lemon verbena leaves (optional)
salt to taste	white pepper to taste
handful of flat Italian parsley

This is so easy, it's ridiculous. It's mostly prep, and takes 40 minutes max. Even YOUR Lazy Ass can do it, so get right on it.

What you WILL need, however, is a Cuisinart food processor. I've had mine for over 20 years, and in this house, EVERYTHING is made from scratch, so you know that poor fucker gets a hella lot of use. So break down and get yourself one, it'll pay you back a thousandfold.

Wash the herbs and strip all the leaves off. Dry them on a paper towel.

Peel the lemons carefully (use a zester, if you have one, otherwise a vegetable peeler is fine. Just avoid the thick white pith, which is very bitter), and set half the peel aside in the freezer.

Roughly chop half the chives, the remaining lemon peel, and the shallots, and put in the food processor with the remaining herbs, 2 Tbsp. extra-virgin olive oil (preferably one with a green and fruity aroma), and half the lemon juice. Blend to a smooth paste, adding more lemon juice and olive oil as needed. If using lemongrass, cut into thirds, then halve lengthwise, and make a bed of the lemongrass halves for the fish. Slice or snip the remaining chives for garnish.

Place the fish skin-side down in a greased nonreactive (glass or ceramic) baking dish. Add salt and pepper and rub into the fish. Scrape the herb paste onto the fish and pat it into a smooth layer.

Heat the oven to 250 and roast the fish for 20-35 minutes. (Roasting time depends on the thickness of your filet and the efficiency of your stove.) The salmon retains its rich red raw colour, so use a fork to test for doneness. The fish is done when a cream-colored layer of fat is deposited below the skin, and the flesh flakes easily.

The tenderness of the fish has to be experienced to be believed. Go, try it, you'll be glad you did.

At La Casa, this is usually served with brown rice and a salad of baby carrots, butter and romaine lettuces, halved cherry tomatoes, diced red and yellow peppers, cucumbers and avocado. Because it's too fucking hot to cook.

Works fine with tender greens lightly sauteed in butter or olive oil, with, say, pine nuts and crushed red pepper.

Hot Cross Buns, like you didn't know

Stumble It!

Happy Independence Day!

Hey, everybody! The asshats around me are starting to fire off their rockets in the middle of the fire season. Isn't that CUTE? Will we be forced to flee our homes at some ungodly hour, in our pajamas, cats tucked under each arm?

Tune in tomorrow, same time same place, assuming we fucking survive.

Don't you hate that shit? Boom, boom, boom. I guess the people enjoying this stuff have never lived around, you know, actual guns and bombs going off and people getting all shredded and stuff. Because lemme tellya, ever after, your shoulder blades twitch when you hear that noise. I'm expecting shrapnel fragments.

No, I'm not. The neighbours are idiots, but more in a non-malign, stupid, poleaxed, well-meaning, friendly, idiotic sort of way than actual redneck goobers who run around trying to kill people and other living things. They'll burn all our houses down around our ears, then fling themselves on our shoulders and sob about the loss. Dumbfucks.

So Mitt Romney's big fundraiser in London was held by disgraced and recently-resigned Robert Diamond, former head of Barclay's Bank? Do the teabaggers not see any irony whatsoever in the would-be president of the former colonies going to the Mother Country to raise funds from the SAME FUCKING PEOPLE the first Americans fought against to establish this nation? Where are the cries of corruption and foreign interference when Mitt Romney courts the British banking establishment, on fucking INDEPENDENCE DAY? Where are the cries when the biggest contributor to the Republican party is a guy who makes money off whorehouses in China?

Meanwhile, over at the ongoing Republican War On Women Headquarters, we're reliably informed that yon lout in that pitcher up there, one NY State Senator Marty Golden, is finally ready for the onslaught of the 15th century. Someone please tell him it's actually the 21st.

Because this benighted son of a poop-eating bottom-feeder is proposing to WOW the LayDeez of his constituency by teaching them the fine art of "feminine presence." I have no idea what this fucking "feminine presence" is. Is it another term for poontang?

Mind you, this asshole is one of those guys who think the Fair Pay Act doesn't even deserve a hearing, and votes against increasing the minimum wage or giving the Nice Laydeez some fucking maternity leave or elder care leave, paid, so they can do their OTHER fulltime job as well.

But wouldn't you know the Feminazis got to him, and he has now canceled all those nice classes, boo hoo. No word if he's considering any bills that might actually help low-paid women, but at least he's not gonna make taxpayers cough up to teach people how to climb fucking stairs for chrisake.

And that fucking sack of fermenting poop, @RepJoeWalsh, is actually attacking the military service of a woman who lost two legs and an arm rescuing her mates in the Iraq war. Please feel free to contact his office and tell him to go suck dick. Well, no. Be polite. Just because he's an asshole is no reason for anyone else to act that way.

I can't believe this worthless fucking putz. He wouldn't pay to keep his children fed, clothed, and housed. I mean this guy owes $200,000 in child support, and his kids had to go on welfare at one point. That's TAXPAYER MONEY that he shoud have been paying. He went to court to fight his duty to pay for the children he fathered. He would rather run up lawyers' bills than feed his own kids.

And he wants to take care of his constituents? A man who can't take care of his own fucking children can't take care of anyone else. Don't be fooled, peeps. This guy NEEDS TO LOSE his election. He's a swine who won't even pay his own children's bills.

Enough, I'm done ranting. Here's your Libertarian/Republican paradise, all you assholes. You can just suck it, srsly.

Alright, alright, I've been a beast. Here, listen to some terrific music and get ready to spread 'em for the bankers. Geez.

Stumble It!