A Blog devoted to progressive politics, environmental issues, LGBT issues, social justice, workers' rights, womens' rights, and, most importantly, Cats.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Ron Paul Just WHAT?
Sweet Lawdy Jebus. It looks as if Lepry Kon Ron Paul just won the Iowa AND the Minnesota primaries. All that wah-wah about RMONEY winning after spending bazillions of dollars worth of the loot he looted from Bain and his Wall Street buddies looted from, I dunno, starving infants everywhere in the world? All bushwah. The eight votes that cost RMONEY a million bucks a piece? Vanished into the ether. Either Paul WON, or he's as close as makes no never mind.
And just think, Mittens spent Tagg, Tigg, Togg, Tick, and Tock's inheritance to buy those lousy eight votes and STILL didn't make it.
Pardon me while I laugh my fucking ass off. This is just too rich. Go, Paulians!
Yes, I missed Caturday. I went out of town over the week, and was fucking exhausted by the time I got back, not to mention hung-over as fuck-all. And I missed Hallowe'en, too. Just be grateful I didn't see fit to inflict Jesusween* on ya.
* Warning: StephenColbert Alert.
Things are tough all around, no need to dwell on what can't be cured, since it must be endured. La Casa de Los Gatos has never treated the blog as a place to whine about the many misfortunes to which flesh is heir. Suffice it to say that life sucks, and I'm sure yours no less than mine. We resign ourselves to updating our book list with book reviews for the year so far, and film reviews, over at the sisterblog. In the meantime, we stand in solidarity with #Occupy and the Indignados who #Occupy everywhere. Sadly, ex-Marine Scott Olsen was injured when Oakland Mayor Jean Quan decided to loose the police on the harmless Indignados there. We'll be keeping an eye on the #Occupation, but for today, we're weaseling out with this, for your amusement:
Because, you know, nobody — I mean, NObody — does it quite like Jon:
Ahahahahahaha!!!
Thank you, Jon Stewart, for making it possible to live another day. I swear to fucking god wut I doezn't b'leev in, if I have to read about one more hypocritical GOP-goober cutting funds for Planned Parenthood, or posturing about "job creators," I'll ... watch this clip again.
We know y'all heard the news last night. Our President announced on the national media that bin Laden had been "taken out" in a surgical strike designed to inflict minimum "collateral damage."
Al Jazeera has the photos if you can stand to see 'em. Bit, uh, strong, so be warned. There was a lot of spontaneous cheering and people waving flags and what-all. Folks gathered around the White House, singing the National Anthem. Firefighters of the NYFD celebrating in Times Square. Cadets at West Point raising such a ruckus, the sleeping inhabitants of nearby areas came awake.
And of course, the media today is full of it. And we mean that in the politest way. No, of course we don't. But we're calling a moratorium on the insults for the nonce. Might as well just sit back and admit that, since the attack on the Twin Towers, we here at La Casa de Los Gatos have been twitchy and oppressed, even if we didn't know it.
The first reaction at the ol' Cathouse was shock. The second was a tremendous sense of relief, as if an invisible hand around one's neck had finally loosed its grip. The third was exultation. But that only lasted a short while. It is unseemly to celebrate death, no matter whose. We are grateful the symbolic scourge is gone, but the sight of people singing and celebrating, regardless of whether they are mujahideen or American civilians, is a little ... unsettling. But we're not going to rain on anyone else's parade. Y'all do what it takes, friends. Just remember to say "Thank you, Mr. President!" over at whitehouse.gov.
And now, for a little light relief. Here's George Dubya Bush's reaction when HE got the news:
Sweet mother of GAWD, the Republican lineup for the 2012 elections is getting worse by the minute. I'm afraid to laugh as hard as I want to in case I piss myself.
Then along came Ms. Mollybean1 and posted SadnMad's delightful little ditty that sums the motherfuckers up pretty accurately, don'tyathink?
I mean, Christ, look at this pack of dimbulb stooges! The President can just phone it in at this rate, yes?
I Don't Care If It Rains or Freezes, Long As I Got My ... Oops!
Touchdown Jebus
Well, darn! Looks like gawd's sending somebody a little message. Apparently, this ol' honkin' thing you see in the photo up there is a fucking six-storey statue of jeebus calling a touchdown on the side of some freeway in Ohio. Gawd must not have been happy about the morons who built this fucking thing spending a quarter of a million dollars on shit like this while her children starve and suffer, because just today, she laid a touchdown on this fricking statue (thank you, gawd).
Yup, she burned the gawd-damned thing right down to the ground, leaving only the twisted steel skeleton and some bits and pieces of foam, or so says the news.
Now, who the fuck would put up some bullshit like this, instead of doing what Jeebus taught?
These bozos, that's who:
The 4,000-member, nondenominational church was founded by Bishop and her husband, former horse trader Lawrence Bishop.
Lawrence Bishop said in 2004 he was trying to help people, not impress them, with the statue. He said his wife proposed the Jesus figure as a beacon of hope and salvation.
Horse trader? I mean - is that fitting, or what?
They're actually going to rebuild the fucking thing, idiots that they are. Listen up, Bishops. If you claim to be following this weird hippie guy supposedly born a couple of thousand years ago, you know, one of them Ay-rab types with a big hooked nose, I'll bet, some real dark skin, beady black eyes, a big ol' beard and a Jewfro that made him look a foot taller, well, here's some things he said that you might prefer to do rather than spending all that money on something else that gawd might zap a couple years (or weeks, hopefully) down the line:
"For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.
Then the righteous will answer him, saying, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?'
And the King will answer them, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.'"
(Matthew 25.35-40 ESV)
See, I don't remember that jeebus dude ever saying anything about making big ol' statues and idols to worship. In fact, I think he was pretty much against that kinda shit. So take that money and do one of two things with it: Feed some hungry people, visit some sick people, or jailed people, clothe some naked people — or convert it all into metal coins and shove them individually up your lardy asses.
OK, it's been pretty depressing stuff on this blog lately, with war crimes and death to homosexuals and what all, so we figure you, dear friends and readers, are owed a little fun.
See, Professor Doctor Michael Steele thinks we need to get rid of all existing climatologists/climate scientists and replace them with dudes who will help us "appreciate" climate change.
Fuck me, this is the kind of thing that drives your hosts at this fine blog to imbibe cheap rum at ungodly hours of the day. Here, in his own words, Professor Doctor Climateologist Science Dude Michael Steele:
"Let's get the smart, right scientists in place to help us understand and appreciate what's happening. I'm still trying to find the brother who told me, 'This is the temperature it should be.' So, you know, we don't know. The earth is a living organism and it changes. We all know what that is about, right?"
Jesus fucking J.H. Christ on a pogo stick, Mikey, can I be the first to slap the stupid right outa ya? Ya fucking blivet!
That's all I need, dude, is a "brother" to tell me "This is the temperature [the world] should be." This is worse than his cow-catcher remarks. Is this guy on drugs? Because if he is, and they're legit, the fucking bastard should be sharing them so the rest of us can groove on what he's saying. Right now he sounds like The Brother From Another Planet. (Inside joke: The Brother From Another Planet is a fine, fine, movie, if you haven't seen it, get off your fucking ass, already; oh, and the lead character has no dialogue at all. Not a single word.)
So this is the deal, Mikey. They're gonna replace your ass. You thought your shuckin' and jivin' would get you this gig and keep it, din'tcha? First they took away your power to sign checks for the party (you KNOW they don't trust the cullud wit' da money, fool, wha'dja think, they'd trust you? After your money scandals?). Then they rehired the people you fired, to keep an eye on the books. Now it's "Byebye, Mikey." They'll gladhand you out the door. Maybe you can get a job on the weather channel.
While wingnuttia is exploding in faux outrage over ACORN "scandals," you know, all mad because people are actually helping tenants to organize and poor homeowners to renegotiate their bank loans and evictions and stuff; and the neocons are screaming about starting YET ANOTHER FUCKING WAR FOR CRISAKE in Iran, conveniently ignoring the fact that General Stanley McChrystal wants half a million fucking troops for fucking Afghanistan, that we don't fucking have; and conveniently ignoring the fact that that big, fat, lardassed war criminal Dick "They Call Me That For A Reason" Cheney is wandering around free, as is Shrubya McWarCriminal; we pause to mop our fevered brow and offer you — bad jokes. They're really bad.
Hey, we need the entertainment.
After an Air Jamaica flight reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain; welcome to Flight 025, non-stop from Kingston to Miami. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and...OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed.
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my trousers!"
One Jamaican passenger yelled, "You BUMBO Rassclaat eediot!.... you should see de BACK of my trousers!!!!!"
I'm sorry, some Jamaicans will probly find the language offensive, but I just LOLed.
This one's for the geeks among us:
Two missionaries are looking down into a jungle clearing at hundreds of natives gathered around a stone likeness of a huge zero.
They strain to hear what the natives are chanting, and finally make it out: "Nulll, nulll, nulll...".
"My God!" one says quietly to the other. "Is nothing sacred?"
So witness, if you will, some really interesting buggers taking on that wretched piece of subhuman refuse, John Yoo (author of Dick'nBush's War on Terra torture-justifying memos):
People, when the fuck is this war criminal going to pay for his crimes, goddammit? What a fucking pathetic ambulatory turd — getting his elderly secretary to throw these young men out instead of answering their questions. John, don't you believe in the essential rightness of your arguments for torture? Man up, you ball-less nutsack!
Somebody try the motherfucker, and soon. He has disgraced the Law, his ethnic group, his sex/gender, Boalt Hall, the fine state of California, and the human race, in no particular order.
Or I do. Online friend and acidly funny fellow-blogger Nunya from Politicky Bitch sums up the inner workings of the office:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass-kissing that will put you over the top.
Alright, alla youse who are always complaining that the denizens of La Casa de Los Gatos swear too much? Swearing is just like analgesics, only more satisfying, sez MSNBC citing an article in NeuroReport. How'dja like them apples?
Fuck it, I say. I always fuckin' knew that. And in my experience, nothing controls the pain like a good long string of expletives, and the more languages you can say "fuck" in, the better you'll feel after, say, getting your knee replaced.
As our good friend sgtg, Associate Terrorist Nun, might say, "Fuckity-fuckin' FUCK FUCK FUCK!" As far as I know, a relatively painfree life is lived in the SGTG household. No doubt thanks to the frequent invocation of these analgesic charms.
you just have to laugh your ass off at something cute or silly. Cause if ya don't, the blue meanies will getcha and then it's suicide attempts and hospital bills and all that weird shit. So take your happy pills and watch this kitteh go:
Man, that little guy boxes like a champ! And don't tell me it ain't cute. I can feel the cute curling my hairs from out the screen. Enjoy!
For our brothers and sisters in Iran, with love and support!
Enjoy it, if you can, laugh your asses off and remember, we in other countries are watching and hoping and praying for you. It is your fight, and your revolution. Let us all hope that other countries keep their cool as President Barack Obama is keeping his cool. Let us all hope that no one interferes in your internal politics. But remember that whatever we can do to help, there are many of us who will.
If you haven't already laughed your ass off over it, Michigan Rep Pete Hoekstra (pronounced Hoax-straw) basically stuck his head up his own ass by Tweeting the following:
Iranian twitter activity similar to what we did in House last year when Republicans were shut down in the House.
Reminds me of Santorum (another Republican FAILbag). Republicans, don't ever change. You guys are fucking comedy gold, man, we'll be pissing ourselves laughing for a decade or more as you Macaca your way into oblivion.
Meantime, feel free to submit your latest hoekstra here. Alternatively, feel free to tweet Hoekstra with your hoekstra, or otherwise mortify the idiot. He's running for governor of Michigan? Sweet fucking Christ!
Stumble It!
Supreme Aiyah!toldjah Mir-Hosain "Pete" Hoekstra demonstrating the size of his peener
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