Entertainment

Source: Dave Koehler

Some days, the news writes itself. We've been spotty about posting lately because several things in the news are too upsetting to sit and yak about, and our psychoactive meds ain't helping. Myanmar's cyclone is expected to have a death toll of half a million, and the nasty military junta that has oppressed the peaceful people of that nation is undoubtedly sneaking in bodies of those who have opposed it to make up the count. More havoc is expected on that front. More cyclones, tornadoes, hurricanes, drought, flooding, and all the "extreme weather events" that result from human-induced rapid climate change. We don't want to talk about the sanctioned killing of wolves, or the arrest of yet another idiot on charges of dogfighting.

So we search for entertainment on the innertubes. And look who's providing it today. None other than ambulatory slimebag and human impersonator Dick "Dick is putting it mildly" Cheney:

Cheney said that the US economy “remains the envy of the world,” and that the recent “slowdown” might have been worse had Bush not enacted tax cuts in 2001 and 2003.

Because of this, he said, “the slowdown that did come was a fairly mild one.”

“For the better part of six years now, this nation's economy grew without pause,” Cheney added.

Yaknow, if a bunch of people who are really being screwed by this economy could just get this schmuck alone in a room without his expensive, taxpayer-provided security guards, we're inclined to believe they could bring him to a new understanding of the economy. We venture to say they would make a deep and lasting impression upon him. What a sanctimonious putz. The article states that the son-of-a-purulent-slime-mold "declared $2.5 million in taxable income last year and $8.8 million in 2006." If we had $2.5 mil to toss around, we probably would find the economy an inspiring subject for our rhapsodies too, yaknow?

In other news, lawyer Al Meyerhoff insults stumps everywhere by quoting John McCain on the subject of Gee Dumbya's intelligence. Alright, alright, the lack thereof.

Yet another hypocritical Republican scumbag finds out just how much of a bitch Karma can be. Rep. Vito Fossella of New York, who got his underroos in a mighty twist over Bill Clinton's blow job, opined at the time that he was impeaching the popular President because "The “rule of law” had to be preserved. It is what “so many Americans have been willing to die for,” he said as the House began its impeachment inquiry."

Last week, Mr. Fossella got shitfaced with some friends and got up to such shenanigans at his local watering hole that the worthy barkeeps ejected his table-smashing ass. Whereupon the righteous, god-fearing Mr. Fossella got in his car and proceeded to drive pie-eyed through the City streets, running a red light in his altered-state enthusiasm. When the long arm of the local law apprehended him and forthwith tossed his intoxicated behind into the hoosegow, he called on &mdash not his wife, but his mistress to come get him. She did.

Someone should have told Mr. Fossella that when you get all moral and self-righteous on other people, you're fair game for charges of hypocrisy and by Jove, everyone will be looking for evidence of't. Turns out Mr. Fossella's mistress, a retired military type, had his baby out of wedlock (not that we give a damn, but his constituents, many of whom are old-fashioned Italian Catholics are surely pissed off, and do we blame them?). Assuming Mrs. Fossella is not currently driving around with Vito's testicles dangling from her rear-view mirror, the tears he shed in Congress while bemoaning the destruction of his erstwhile career were inspired by the desire to save what's left of it.

We'd wish you good luck, Mr. Fossella, but considering the shabby way you've treated your lesbian sister and your rabid support of every piece of homophobic legislation that ever came your way, we'll pass and laugh heartily at your sniveling misery instead. Yup, karma is a fine thing. The wheel goes round.

In further evidence that Karma is a bitch, the DoD has just released a report on some Navy admiral who was boppin' some bimbo IN THE WHITE HOUSE. Incidentally, this was a couple of years before Bill C. ever got it on with the intelligent and beauteous Ms. L.

In its description of the lying son-of-a-turtle's lies, the report meandered into the abuse of language as a competition sport:

By contrast, the report said, Stufflebeem's testimony was "inconsistent with the weight of the evidence," and "it did not appear Stufflebeem's misstatements in these areas of testimony were inadvertent."

Hm. Inadvertent misstatements != lies? Stufflebeem (what a name!) went on to say:

"I did not have sex with this woman," he said during one of two interviews with investigators.

Although he told investigators he could not remember the woman's name, he testified that he "had to live with shame for a long time" after the "inappropriate relationship" ended, that he was "racked with guilt" and "had a terrible time getting myself right with my family."

"So I have had a great 18-year career since I left the White House," he said, according to the report. "If this is the end of it, then I still leave a rewarded individual, thankful for the blessings that I have had."

Yeah, blessings that include lying to your wife, your girlfriend, the investigators, and bopping some bimbo whose name you claim you don't remember. Whatcha bet his kids change their last names so they can avoid further humiliation? And don'tcha love how he whines about the shame he had to live with?

Another candidate, his wife would probably say, for detest-icularization. The article goes on to state:

Stufflebeem became well known in the initial months of the war in Afghanistan, when he often conducted on-camera television briefings as a Pentagon spokesman. He was then deputy director for global operations on the Joint Staff.

He was commander of the 6th Fleet from May 2005 to September 2007. During that time, he was deputy commander of Naval Forces Europe, joint force maritime component commander in Europe, commander of strike and support forces for NATO, and allied commander with Joint Command Lisbon.

He has since been demoted and fired.

And, finally, in a truly lighthearted moment for those of us who do not live or drive in Estonia, police in that country recently had a real shock when they stopped a driver only to find that, not only was he drunk, but also blind. Take that, Rep. Fossella.

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