2008 Elections: The Limbo Candidate

When we were young, and dinosaurs roamed the earth, early hoomins liked to do a dance they called The Limbo. You put up two (goal)posts, and balance a third between them, toss a mastodon roast on the fire and everybody bends backwards as low as they can go and dances under the central pole.

Hillary Clinton is The Limbo Candidate in this election. Every single week, she moves the posts, lowers that central pole, and proves that she can go lower than anybody else.

This week, Clinton has decided that Barack Obama is an elitist. That's right. Senator Clinton, who raised over one million dollars from lobbyists and has $109 million in her bank account thinks the man who was raised by a single mom and working-class grandparents, the man who just paid off his school loans a few years ago &mdash is an elitist.

Mrs. Clinton, that couldn't sound more fake if you tried. But that's OK. All politicians throw smears at each other. Your smears are generally dirtier, more Rovian, et cetera, but we understand that's your strategy to show that you're a tough and dirty fighter.

But, how does Mrs. Clinton demonstrate for the beer-swilling non-elitist masses that she is not an elitist despite her millions of dollars?

She goes to a bar with the press and swills a shot and a beer with a bunch of working-class men.

You lost us there, Mrs. Clinton. First off, we don't think drinking in a bar as the sole woman in a crowd of men is a good thing to do. No woman in their right mind would feel safe drinking in bars alone. Of course, in your case you had a bunch of Secret Service guys standing by out of the range of the cameras ready to beat ass if any guy had laid a hand on you. Regular working-class women don't have that kind of protection, so they don't go drinking in bars alone.

As you would know, if you weren't some rich elitist who only goes to working-class bars for photo-ops and surrounded by armed guards.

Secondly, given the huge number of rape cases making the headlines lately, with women soldiers in Iraq being raped and Halliburton practically turning rape into a competition event, what the fuck are you doing? Women who went for a drink with supposed friends in Iraq got slipped a roofie and brutally raped. And you think the best way to highlight your working-class bona fides is to go drinking in a bar full of men?

Thirdly, what the fuck is downing a shot and a beer in a bar supposed to be about? Is this supposed to make you more electable? We don't think swilling booze with the boys is necessarily a good thing, after eight years of an incompetent booze-swiller holding the job for which you're applying.

And finally, excuse me, Royal Crown? Thanks to NAFTA, Canadian whisky like Royal Crown is now cheaper in the U.S. than American-made. Couldn't you pay a buck more for an American-made whisky? Or were you trying to remind voters of your support for NAFTA, too?

Can't you stick to policy discussions? Can't you attack your fellow-elitist John McCain and his beer heiress' hundred-million-dollar fortune? Or is that off limits for you because you and McCain are two birds of a feather? You'd rather attack your fellow Democrat because you don't want the voters to focus on the fact that your husband is taking buckets of money to push through a trade policy with Colombia that voters don't want?

Your Democratic opponent is leading you in popular votes and by nearly two hundred pledged delegates. Instead of joining with him to make sure McCain doesn't get the White House and the chance to deny women reproductive freedoms and really put the screws on working-class, poor, and middle-class folks, you'd rather destroy him thinking that all those people who are coming out to vote for him will then vote for you? Don't count on it. If you steal this nomination &mdash and with 160+ fewer delegates and a shrinking pool of remaining voters and superdelegates, you'll have to steal it &mdash you won't get the votes of a lot of disappointed people. There is nothing about your candidacy that excites people enough to schlep to the polls.

We don't want McCain to win. But a contest between you and McCain is no contest at all. Don't try to feed us that line of shit about how your policies are progressive yada yada. You will say whatever you think you have to say to get people to vote for you. What you'll do, once you're in power, is keep playing both ends against the middle to stay in power as long as you can.

Yesterday you talked about your familiarity with guns and hunting. Yet, a simple Google search reveals that you've always been for gun control. We don't know who the hell you are and what you stand for, Mrs. Clinton. Is there a there there?

Mrs. Clinton, in order for you to have a shot at your party's nomination, you need to win EACH AND EVERY ONE of the remaining states by more than 65 per cent. There is no way in this reality on this planet that you can do that.

We've supported your right to keep contesting this election until every voter has had their say, but with each day you keep shooting another bullet into your foot.

Just go away. Please. Take your gun and your booze and go home. We sincerely hope we never see or hear your name again.


If you'd like to give Senator Clinton a piece of your mind, you can right here.

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