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Sunday, March 27, 2011

Indians Need To Ask "How Hateful Can American Conservatives Get?"

My, my, my. It would appear that the Wall Street Journal, under Rupert Murdoch's guidance, is determined to alienate any Indian readers thereof. Since a substantial number of Indians in America, especially those born and raised in India, tend to be very conservative, pro-Republican readers of the Wall Street Journal, I sincerely hope any of you reading this, who might have friends or in-laws or neighbours of the Indian persuasion, take this issue up with those benighted souls. I'm well aware that many Indians, especially of the educated class and wealthier class, did not much care for Gandhi (I, personally, have plenty of issues with the guy). But something this outrageous cannot be allowed to pass.

Unless, of course, Indians revel in the thought of being spat on by the likes of Andrew Roberts. In which case, what can we say, except "Carry on, doods."

As for Roberts himself, sheesh, the guy is a closet case if ever there was. What IS the conservative fascination with other people's sex lives, anyway? Doods, aren't you getting any? Because if you are, it's either not enough, or not kinky enough. Normal people don't sit around fantasizing about other people's sex lives, honest. Because normal people are too busy, as a rule, indulging in some healthy slap-and-tickle themselves to worry about whether anyone else is getting it on.

Normal people with normal sex lives and friends and families and jobs and homes to look after barely have enough time to brush their teeth and match their socks, on a given day. Most of the people I know who have partners and healthy rolls in the hay are too exhausted after a good healthy bout of sweaty rogering to give a shit whether someone else is getting any, and if so, of what variety. Shit! Fuck me blind if I give a good goddamn about whether anyone else is knocking boots, as long as I'm getting some sweet, hot, slippery between-the-sheets action.

So, Mr. Roberts? Your fellow conservatives are pretty damn kinky, whyn't you ask *them* for some pointers on getting your knob nibbled? You could try George "Rentboy" Rekers, for some hot young purchasable action. Mark Foley can give you some tips on staying out of jail if you cross the line between "young" and "actionably young." If you'd rather blame it on "teh CULLUD," try FL Republican Bob Allen. If you'd prefer to assault children of the female persuasion, upstanding Republican congressman, whoops, ex-congressman and felon, Ted Klaudt can give you some, uh, tips.

No? Too tame? Don't worry! Former conservative candidate for Republican governor of Georgia, Neal Horseley might be just the thing for you! Neal doesn't deny charges of bestiality, and is quick to point out that "everybody did it," while eying the closest mule. Then there's David "ShittyVitty" Vitter, the Republican Senator with a diaper fetish whose Madam mysteriously "committed suicide" after threatening to reveal her client list. You, too, could probably find a prostitute to powder your freshly diapered bottom, if you just want to swim in shit for a bit. If you'd rather dress up and cavort around with teenagers, contact this bright and shining Young Republican star.

But for the love of deity, you worthless fecking eejit, keep your grubby, shitstained paws off the people who have done *some* good for the world, unlike yourself. You know, as in, more good than you will ever do, you worthless flaccid rump-pumper.

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