Republican Scandal Of The Week

ICHC Very Demotivational

I'm actually wondering if I should change that head to read "Republican Scandal of the Day." Because, yaknow, there's just no keeping up with those motherfuckers.

Every time you turn around, there's yet another one in the paper, on your TV, at some Web site, saying or doing something totally unacceptable or getting busted for not keeping their pants on.

I sure do miss the days when the Democrats had all the sex scandals and the Republicans stuck to what they do best — robbing the people blind.

CA State Senator Roy Ashburn

Forgive me for not covering all the other scandals — Rand-Away Paul's reprehensible comments on the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and the right of private property owners (even those who do business with the public) to discriminate; Roy Ashburn's sudden 180 on LGBTQ rights after he got busted driving drunk with a young man in his car, having just left a GAYGAYGAYGAYGAY bar; Professor George Rekers, married (can you say "beard," children? I knew you could) co-founder (with James Dobson) of homophobic organizations Family Research Council and NARTH (one o'dem "cure teh ghey" groups) and his rent boy (who gives ass-levitating massages, I hear); et cetera, ad infinitum, ad nauseam. Because, frankly, I'd be here all day with stubby bloody little finger-stumps if I tried.

Meet Nimrata Randhawa Haley. Nimrata seems to be suffering the same Westernizification disease that has afflicted Louisiana governor Piyush Jindal. Just as Piyush became "Bobby," so Nimrata has become "Nikki" in her attempt to please the Betty Browns of this world.

Nimrata "Nikki" Randhawa Haley

In case you didn't know who Betty Brown is and don't want to clicky teh linky, Ms. Brown is the Texas State legislator who asked Americans of Asian descent to change their names to names that are "easier for Americans to deal with." Thereby implying, of course, that such Americans are not, you know, real Americans. Well, she won't have to worry about Nimrata and Piyush. Any American, even an Asian-American, can say "Nikki" and "Bobby."

Nikki Haley is a South Carolina representative in Washington, D.C. Apparently, a former colleague of Nikki's, one Will Folks, claims they've been boffing. They met when they both worked for South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford (yeah, the guy who was "hiking the Appalachian Trail" on Nude Hiking Day, when he was supposed to be in the office, or at least reachable by his staff, not to mention his wealthy wife who bought him the job).

At the time, Folks was one of Sanford's top spokesweasels. It's not clear exactly what Haley was other than a hot mama with a nice booty. However, Folks apparently is leaking the nasty details of their affair in a slow drip to the South Carolina press. None of it has convincing probative value, but a lot of it is pretty damn suspicious. For one thing, Mr. Folks apparently worked for Ms. Haley's campaign at one time. During which period, some 700 telephone calls were made, mostly by Ms. Haley to Mr. Folks, many of them late at night, and some of them lasting several hours.

Ms. Haley defends herself with the claim that she works hard and works her staff hard as well. (Perhaps she should have avoided the word "staff.") That's all well and good, Nikki, but if my spouse got on the phone at 11 pm and stayed on for three fucking hours, I would not be a happy camper at all. It would take some smooth smooth talking and lots of excellent sex to quiet my suspicions, if you know what I mean. And she was calling him at 2 am and talking till 5 am. OK, so, what's the story here, Nikki? I work hard too, but I would never call a colleague at 2 am. I would assume that they were sleeping the sleep of the righteous and just.

We've all pulled all-nighters, sometimes several days or weekends in a row. Would you feel it was cool to call a colleague who was not also pulling an all-nighter, after 10 pm? I sure wouldn't. Hell, I've been chewed out for calling people after 8 pm, especially if they have young children.

And three hours? Seriously, girl-child, if it takes you three hours to discuss your bidness, you in the wrong line of work.

The most interesting thing about this very strange and creepy story is, Ms. Haley has yet to deny it. She's said things along the lines of she doesn't want to give any weight to this story and it's not worth her time and energy and yadadadayada. But she hasn't actually denied that she had an affair with the guy. The furthest she has gone is to say:

"I have been 100% faithful to my husband throughout our 13 years of marriage," Haley said in a statement. "This claim against me is categorically and totally false."

See, now, it would have been so easy for Ms. Haley to say, "I never had an affair with Will Folks."

But that's not what she said. And we hairsplitters know there's a difference between lying outright and lying by implication.

More to the point, Ms. Haley said she "barely knew" Will Folks. That's quite possible, of course, we don't all know every single one of our former colleagues or employees well. But if you make 700 phone calls to someone, some of them lasting two or three hours, it gets kinda hard to argue that you don't know them well. People I don't know well might get one telephone call a year from me. On the other hand people I'm screwing like a bunny, yeah, I'm so there with the three-hour phone calls (much as I hate using the phone) and the everyday emails and shit.

Oh, and Nikki Haley has the endorsement of Scary Failin', aka Babble Spice. Who was rumoured to be screwing her husband's business partner some time ago, although the guy sealed his court records so none of us will find the hard evidence. Birds of a feather, and all that.

OTOH, you know, given that soon-to-be ex-Governor Sanford was making the beast with two backs (or whatever else he was doing) with Maria Belen Chapur, the Argentinian beauty for whom he dumped his wealthy wife Jenny, just recently; Lt. Governor Andre Bauer (also running for the same post) recently informed a shocked nation that giving welfare to poor people just encourages them to breed like stray animals; Third-string Repugly candidate Gresham Barret, polling at a whole 16% has won the endorsement of Darth Cheney himself (that should be teh kiss of death right there) — nah, we still hope she loses to the Democrat.

Satan always asks, "WWCD?"

Now, normally, we at this fine blog could give a fuck who's fucking who, you know? The more people fuck the less likely they are to be beating the crap outa each other, right? OTOH, the Scary Failin' ranks of Fambly Valyooz hypocrites really, really get our fucking goat. We'd like to see them all pilloried in public, pelted with rotten fruit and past-use-by-date eggs. They fucking suck because they want everyone but their sick sad selves to abide by rules that they themselves can't live by.

So, Nikki, here's a little song for you from the South Carolina electorate — Why don't we get drunk and screw:

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