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Friday, March 27, 2009

How To Avoid Hairy Jello

And other nuggets of wisdom, culinary and otherwise.


Didja know that hospital food is, like, the worst shit in the world? Srsly. I have no idea what they put in that stuff, but I'm thinkin' something along the lines of recycled intestinal tissue from recent surgery. It even smells bad. Like, from a mile away.

So, if you're scheduled to get schlepped into the old Bone Pit for any reason, for mercy's sake, prepare.

Put these on your list of Things To Do Before Surgery.
  1. Laundry.

    There's nothing worse than coming home to the funky aroma of unwashed clothes, and if yo' mama didn't tell you yet, when that shit sits around in the house waiting for you to return from the Bone Pit, it miasmates (yeah, I made that word up, so what?) more richly as the days go by to produce a brew like Hell's own armpit.

    Yes, I did my fuckin' laundry. I'm speaking from past experience and a wild and wicked yoof.

  2. Tidy up.

    You're going to be fuckin' frail when you get home. Srsly. They drain out your body juices and put staples and stitches and god knows what other shite in your hoomin bits. So pick up all the books and papers and what-all lying around on the floor because if it's there to trip on you WILL by gum trip on it or step on it or fall over it and hurt yourself something sucky.

    If you can sort the crap out and put it away, yay. If not, feck it. Put it in a large brown paper bag or a box somewhere and hide it where you won't step on it. You'll have plenty of time to take care of it as you S-L-O-W-L-Y recover from your erstwhile damage.

  3. Cook plenty of nutritious, freezable meals and stick them in 1-gallon containers and freeze them.

    I'm not kidding about this one. Hospital food is SO the shits you'll sell your liver and your entire family for decent food by the time you come back. Your tastebuds are totally off because of the drugs (you'll know you're on the road to recovery when the hospital food actually starts tasting edible). I don't know what kind of eejits hospitals employ as nutritionists and dietitians, but most of them seem to belong to the school of "more is better." Salt, fat, calories, human hair, whatever. Stay away from everything except water, juice, fruit, salad, and clear broth if they'll let you have it.

    Over the next few weeks, I'm going to post recipes of nutritious, easy, freezable food. High protein content, low work ratio. Nothing like a hearty beef steak soup with tender chunks of browned meat, celery, carrots, garlic, tomatoes, and rice to keep you happy after much slicing and dicing of the old bod.

  4. Clean out the fridge.

    Srsly. Anything that can't get et before you go to teh Bone Pit ain't gonna get et till you've been home a while. If it can stay in the freezer, fine, but really, you're better off giving it to friends and family and saving the freezer for your Real People Food for recuperation. In the meantime, give the rest away and clean out the fridge. That's how you avoid hairy jello.
For the nonce, please stay away from bubbling-hot liquids of any variety, whether it be tea, coffee, or soup, eh? Everything's bad for you, except for what kills you, yaknow.

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At 9:44 PM, Blogger Sungold said...

Does this mean you're home, now, darlin'? I sure hope so. I hope you're healing well and getting fawned on by the kittehs.

One other feature of hospital food? The cardiac ward keeps all the salt out of it BUT heaven help you if you're a vegetarian. My husband had a heart attack scare last weekend. He seems to be fine but spent three days incarcerated before he passed a stress test. He could NOT get a meat-free meal except by ordering it three times.

Looking forward to those recipes! Take care -

At 12:16 PM, Blogger ThePoliticalCat said...

Yes, I'm home, being attacked daily by cats w/tude. OMGWTF, how IS your husband? Sheesh! Wish him well for me. I will include vegetarian versions for teh poor man. My ex-MIL, who was born and raised a vegetarian, had a very simple solution to the meat-laden meals. She picked up the phone and called the ex (who was the current at the time) and gave her detailed instructions on how to cook a good vegetarian meal to Mamma's taste. She's a dear sweet lady but not about to put any animal products in her mouth. She reduced the nurses to a pile of ashes when she pointed at the jello and said, "This is what?" When told, she said, "Yes, but is made of what?" Upon further explanation, she retorted icily, "This we don't eat. Please take away." Of course she is the most fabulous cook ever, and was back with us a mere two weeks later, cooking dinners galore. The surgeon said vegetarians heal faster and better. Best to you and all yours, cherie!

At 5:55 PM, Blogger Sungold said...

Typical cats - taking advantage while you're down.

My husband is doing fine. He just planted a shrub that we inherited from a neighbor. With our heavy clay soil, that should have done him in if his heart was really dicey. It wasn't a heart attack, just a freaky thing where he had a slightly wonky EKG, but it was apparently a weird reaction to a tummy bug. Go figure. Anyway, we're both feeling grateful.

Classic story about your ex-MIL! I'll look forward to your veggie recipes, too.


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