Religion: It Makes You Craaaaaazy

Hahaha. Apparently, Phyllis Schlafly's ever-so-closeted QUEEN of a son has decided to invite help from fellow Conservapedians in rewriting the Wholly Babble. You know, to remove all that "liberal bias." Here's how they plan to go about it:

1. Framework against Liberal Bias: providing a strong framework that enables a thought-for-thought translation without corruption by liberal bias

2. Not Emasculated: avoiding unisex, "gender inclusive" language, and other modern emasculation of Christianity

3. Not Dumbed Down: not dumbing down the reading level, or diluting the intellectual force and logic of Christianity; the NIV is written at only the 7th grade level

4. Utilize Powerful Conservative Terms: using powerful new conservative terms as they develop; defective translations use the word "comrade" three times as often as "volunteer"; similarly, updating words which have a change in meaning, such as "word", "peace", and "miracle".

5. Combat Harmful Addiction: combating addiction by using modern terms for it, such as "gamble" rather than "cast lots"; using modern political terms, such as "register" rather than "enroll" for the census

6. Accept the Logic of Hell: applying logic with its full force and effect, as in not denying or downplaying the very real existence of Hell or the Devil.

7. Express Free Market Parables; explaining the numerous economic parables with their full free-market meaning

8. Exclude Later-Inserted Liberal Passages: excluding the later-inserted liberal passages that are not authentic, such as the adulteress story

9. Credit Open-Mindedness of Disciples: crediting open-mindedness, often found in youngsters like the eyewitnesses Mark and John, the authors of two of the Gospels

10. Prefer Conciseness over Liberal Wordiness: preferring conciseness to the liberal style of high word-to-substance ratio; avoid compound negatives and unnecessary ambiguities; prefer concise, consistent use of the word "Lord" rather than "Jehovah" or "Yahweh" or "Lord God."

Truly. You can't make this shit up. These denizens of rightwingnuttia are determined, I tellya, de-fucking-termined to write all that socialist, communist, love-yer-brother shit right out of teh Holy Book. So, John Schlafly — are you going to take someone's dick out of your mouth long enough to edit out all teh gay-h8ing crap? Or are you going to be a weenie in every sense of the word and leave it all in?

Republican Jesus courtesy of RepublicanDirtyTricks, which you should only read right now

Of course, because logic is not their strong point, they don't seem to have realized (will they ever?) that by rewriting the supposedly Inerrant Word of Gawd, they're proving that, far from being inerrant, it is simply the work of man, who changes it to suit his sentiments of the moment. This is called being hoist by one's own petard. And although Wikipedia insists that a petard is a small bomb that could blow up and injure the party using it on others, I prefer to believe, in keeping with the root word, pet, which is French for fart, that these moral midgets run the risk of blowing themselves up to the M-o-o-o-o-n with their own farts.

Because that's what this project represents: pseudo-intellectual farts in a strong wind, which have a definite likelihood of blowing right back up the arsehole of those who delivereth them and propelling them on to, as it were, greater heights.

I can't wait to see what the churches and the religious right, the last bastion of ReapUglyCon support, have to say about this. Methinks it ain't gonna be good.

Stumble It!