Politics: Republicans

Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina

By now you've heard the whole nine yards of this guy's story, right? RIGHT? I waited for the explosion before touching it, but now that all the dirt's out, I can indulge in that delightful frisson of schadenfreude I experienced when I first heard the news.

So, I know what you're thinking: PC, how can you be so LOW, enjoying this shit so much, and YOU are so MEAN, and MEAN PEOPLE SUCK! and all that bwa-ha-ha. Hey, lookit, friends and other people: this motherfucker was slated for a prime post in the 2012 elections, you get my drift? This Mr. "MyPantsAreSoHotIGottaDrop'EmNOW" dude was gonna be a con-TEN-dah for the Republican Run For The White House. After what the Republicans have done to this fine nation for the past eight years, and to me, personally, for about that long (we won't talk old history heah), I say I have every right to bwa-ha-haaa! all over this unseemly piece of personal douchebaggery.

Excuse me, those sumbitches have seriously shit all over the nation's sandwich for over a decade now, while whipping up the nutcases, racists, Religious Right, panty-sniffing scandalmongers, greedy douchebags stealing and robbing us blind, corporate whores exporting our jobs by the hundred thousand while awarding themselves bigger and bigger salaries and bonuses each year. How does that make you feel, snookums? Git yer mad on and get in line to give this guy, and any other Republican aiming at higher office, a thwack or twenty with the trademarked Casa de Los Gatos Golden Bat o'Clue. They deserve it, goddammit, and I'm gonna be happy about it.

So, to cut to the chase. Governor Stanford decided sometime last week that he was going away. He didn't tell his office where he was going. He didn't leave any way for them to contact him. He didn't even tell his WIFE where he was going. This is a man with FOUR children, he takes off over the Father's Day weekend, and his family don't know where he is? Does that sound like coolth to you? To me, it sounds like the epitome of douchebaggery.

So while he's gone some enterprising journalist(s) in his fair state decide to find out just where he went. His office says, "We don't know." His wife says, "I don't know." When you're holding a position of public fucking responsibility, you don't just take off like that. Shit, even when you're selling your labour to a fucking bunch of greedy corporate shills, if you go on vacation, you're supposed to check your email and call in once in a while unless you're just a faceless grub in the organization. You're a manager? Even if you have Teh Shittiest Job In The World, you gotta check in. Teleconference with your reports, call your boss, email the admins. Everybody has to know how to get hold of you if they need to.

And this guy just takes off. That is SO not OK. Corporate whores are mostly not responsible for the life and well-being of anyone else in the company. A governor of a State is, theoretically at least, responsible for the fucking lives and well-being of everybody in their state. And what's the deal with the wife? What kind of guy takes off on a vacation without the wife and kids, especially over Father's Day? And doesn't even tell his wife where he's going to be? Or call the family over the weekend?

So for a few days, the InnerTubes were rife with theories about the guv. Best of all, the guv had apparently taken off WITHOUT his security detail. Huh? Rightwingnuttia, as is their usual wont, was speculating (among other things) that the CIA had kidnapped him (just like they did with Jesse Ventura, 'cos he opposed the stimulus package, and everything). Oh, yeah, dipshits. Don't let your conspiracy theories hit ya where the good lord split ya. Dumbfucks.

Meanwhile, some enterprising individual had recognized the guv at an airport. Whereupon his car was traced there. Even more meanwhile, his office, weaseling like crazy, had told journalists that the guv was hiking the Appalachian Trail. Well, didn't that just put the shit in the rotary motor, anaconda that weekend was National Hiking Naked Day, and all the responsible speculators were speculating that the guv was running around getting poison ivy on his schlong out there where the poison ivy was rife. The best part of this story is, the person responsible for alerting us all to the existence of National Hiking Naked Day is one Woody Lipps. Srsly. You can't make this shit up.

Unfortunately, the stupid sumbitch put paid to my fantasies about him and Woody Lipps today by admitting to an affair with some hot Argentinian. Damn! I do want to say, however, that the Republican Party fell to its collective knees to thank the LAWD that, at least this once, the Republican at the heart of this scandal wasn't porking an underage boy. Or getting his rocks off on, um, diapers.

OTOH, after reading some of Teh Guv's ltrs, let me just say that the guy could have a future as a romance writer. Pity he wasn't saying these things to his lawfully wedded wife. Oh, and adultery is a CRIME in South Carolina. Bet yer wishing you'd changed THOSE laws, huh, Sanford? Also, the papers have had these letters since last year. No wonder the guv is crying in public. And more also, he claimed he was giving his hot mistress "marital advice." Sure thing, honey. And finally, he's all, "God is forgiving me, oh yeah, I R Xtian, fambly values."

BLEEEAAARRGGGH! Sick, stupid puppy! Smack, smack, smack!

Stumble It!