Crime: Oh M'Gawd

Okay, we have determined by unanimous fiat that everyone involved in this is so stupid as to defy possibility. How do these people manage to breathe? Do they really have functional autonomic nervous systems? We want proof.

The authorities in Hidalgo County, Texas, are pondering the difficult question of how to bring a 1,000-lb bedridden woman to court, county jail, and trial for her role in killing her nephew. The child's mother has been arrested (presumably she weighs much less than Aunt Mayra) for her role in the crime.

First off, why on earth would anybody leave a child with a bedridden woman who has multiple medical conditions and weighs nearly 1,000 pounds? The kid was two years old, and anybody who's been around kids knows that that's not a good age to be dropping the sprog off with someone else, because not only are they ambulatory, they're curious as all hell, plus they're passing through the defiant stage where they've finally learned the word "No!" and are determined to use it.

And leaving the kid with someone who can barely get around — not a recipe for success. Mother awarded Thirty Points of Sheer Stupid for this one.

Next, why do we put people in jail before we try them for crimes? So they can't run off and escape consequences. Now, seriously, Mister Sherriff of Hidalgo County — a woman who can't fit through the doors of her own home and is barely able to walk is not, like, a huge flight risk, if you get our drift. Surely Hidalgo County can spend its time and money in better ways. It's not like this woman can jump in a car or on a bicycle and speed off someplace. She has multiple debilitating medical issues. If nothing else, you can always track her down by the trail of drug prescriptions and doctor visits she'll require.

So there's no need to put her in jail. She is already in jail, the prison of her own failing body. Yes, she committed a crime, and like everyone else (except our rich and powerful leaders), she should pay for her crime, but you can put her under house arrest. Because to attempt to move her into the county jail would be an exercise in futility and a most cruel and unusual punishment in that she would probably die just from being moved. Plus, the taxpayer will be saddled with the unnecessary cost of breaking her house down in order to get her out of it, machinery to move her (a regular ambulance couldn't handle someone her size), she'll probably need a new cell to accommodate her, and the taxpayer will then be stuck with the cost of her health care until her trial is concluded. So leave the malign creature where she is. It's just as good as jail. Sherriff awarded Forty Points of Sheer Stupid to be shared with the courts and anyone else wanting this woman jailed.

Finally, as to the criminal herself: Woman, what on earth possessed you to kill that child? You're his aunt, goddamn you, you share some of his genes. Your first duty should have been to protect him. OK, the kid was probably being a pain as kids at that age often are. Why did you accept custody of him, knowing that you're bedridden? Stupid, stupid creature. Now your sister? cousin? relative and the boy's father have lost their child, and your sister (or whatever) is sitting in the county jail waiting to be tried for her part in this crime. Your family is mourning the loss of this child, and they'll lose his mother (for some time at least) and his aunt, thanks to you. You may have killed yourself in killing this kid, because some people are going to want you in jail (because stupid, unlike common sense, is endemic).

And, finally, how does someone get to weigh so much? We can understand being "overweight," everbody we know has a panza and nice squeezable quantities of flesh, except for the druggies, exercise addicts, and born scrawnies, but sheesh! You really have to work at it to be this huge, and look what it's done to your health. This one's probably not your fault, so you get Sixty Points of Sheer Stupid for all the other stuff, but we're giving you a pass on the weight thing. It's gotta be something medical.

Why Sixty Points? She claimed the kid died because she rolled over on him. That, plus, why the hell would a non-ambulatory person agree to look after a very active little sprog? Lying to the family, lying to the police, taking responsibility for the kid, killing the kid, all adds up to Sheer Stupid in Spades. The only plus we see here is, at least her genes are not going into the pool.

Stumble It!