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Wednesday, May 28, 2008

2008 Elections: John McCain's VP Pick

Looks like Gramps McCain got out of his rocker long enough to host a roast. He claims it was just hangin' wit his homies. We doubt, we doubt.

Who was on the invite list?

  • Bobby Jindal, newly elected Governor of Louisiana.

    Mr. Jindal, who converted from Hinduism to Catholicism, is a creepy, repugnant little jerk who would like to keep an eye (or more) on every uterus in the country. Fortunately, his counsel's involvement with one Jimmy Faircloth, who is tied to the Coushatta tribes scandal and uber-creep Jack Abramoff may dampen our fears of this forced-birther gaining power. Pluses: Appeals to the growing power of teh "brown". Minuses: Are you effin' kidding me?

  • Charlie Crist, Governor of Florida.

    Petulant homophobe and deeply closeted schlockmeister whose primary talent appears to be that perennial Republican quality of gladhanding the hoi polloi while spouting out of both sides of his pencil neck, Crist has a "dubious" at best sexuality. Of course, in our book he's free to do whatever he likes sexually as long as it involves consenting adults (animals can't consent). What he's not free to do is pander pathetically, cover up Mark Foley's inappropriate actions with underage pages:

    and have his thug buddies release "sex tapes" of him making out with his "girlfriend" in an elevator. Jeez. Are you kidding me? She looks drugged and he's clearly looking at something other than her.

    Incidentally, Charlie's beard, uh, girlfriend, is married &mdash only, not to him.

    Pluses: Looks like a movie star. Minuses: From the Old Movie Stars Retirement Home.

  • Dog-torturer Willard "Mittens" Romney.

    Given this pathetic slimeball's inability to connect with any voters with the sole exception, of course, of his fellow Mormons, and the overweening dislike John McCain has for him, we're betting all Mitt's money won't buy him the VP spot.

    Pluses: Could probably fund the entire race from his pocket change. Minuses: Americans tend to like dogs and dislike people who torture them; also, he's a Mormon; his wife spends millions on her hobby &mdash dressage &mdash which probly won't go down so well with the growing financially-strapped sector; his whole family suffers from the tendency to look Stepford-Wifeish creepy; the Mormons have been involved in some truly unwholesome scandals lately.
In other news, McCain served up some 1,173 pages of medical records (finally!) to a handpicked cadre of reporters and gave them a mere 3 hours to thumb through them. No copies, no psychiatric records. Cliff Schecter reveals that McCain had a cancer surgery this February. This is a man who's had FOUR previous oncological surgeries. Did it occur to him that he owes it to the people who might vote for him to keep them informed about his apparently precarious health?

Oh, and recent pictures of him look as if he's wearing a colostomy bag. We know you had some precancerous polyps removed recently, John. Did the surgeon take anything else?

Update: Updated with picture. What IS that on his leg?

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